Shit My Kids Ruined

momsI wish someone would have told me that, once you have kids, you have to wait a really long time before you can have nice shit again. Like furniture, for instance.

Do you know parents with toddlers that have “nice” furniture? Nice as in no food stains, scuffs, teeth marks, marker pictures, etc. on them?

Yeah, me neither.

The hubs and I went shopping for a dinning room set recently and it went kind of like this:

White padded seats? Um no, the kids will destroy that in less than a week.

Chairs that have lovely, but delicate, legs? Um, no.

A smooth, waxed table top? Hell no. Take one fork to that top and it’s ovah.

Nothing left to browse? Alrighty then…next store!

We just needed something sturdy, wooden and didn’t have light-colored fabric anywhere attached to it…and preferably something that can handle a kid getting on top of it to practice his tae kwon do on.

You should have seen the sales lady’s face when I said that.

My son uses our living room couch as a trampoline, and has even mastered a front flip on it. Sweet. You know what kind of material our couch is? Microfiber. Do you know why we bought that couch? Because it’s easy to clean. No other reason. Just that. Did I care about the color of the fabric? Nope, because it’s likely to have yogurt and Cheerio stains on it within the first week after moving it in.

I miss having nice stuff. My hubby just bought me a beautiful new leather couch for my office (where I’m writing this from!) and I’ve forbidden the kids to even breathe on it.

No sitting on that couch…it’s MINE!

Darling daughter, I love you but, get away from that couch! Son, no Tae Kwon Do near that couch! It’s MINNNNE! I will scream it like a banshee.

But do you think the kids listen? Nope, not really.

Not only do the kids eventually ruin our furniture but, my daughter thinks that everything that’s mine…is hers. Occasionally I will catch her in my makeup or jewelry. She even strutted down the stairs wearing my hot pink undies on her head once.

Just a teensie bit awkward.

Ummm, honey, you look so pretty! Now go take that off… (but I admit I was tempted to take a picture for blackmail when she’s 15).

If you’ve read my staff profile, you know I love lip gloss. I have them scattered all over the house. But, for the past few years, I’ve had to hide them. Why? Because my daughter eats them.

The final straw was when I picked up one of the tubes, proceeded to spread it on my lips, and a bunch of cold, stinky, slimy slobber came out. Grossssssss.

Listen up, daughter!  You cant eat my lip gloss. It’s bad for you! And it’s MINNNNE!

But mom, it smells like food.

Great.

I wonder if poison control has ever taken a call about a girl eating her mom’s lip gloss?

So I imagine the day when the kids are older and I can buy new furniture because I like it, and not because it’s sturdy and already recessed. I imagine the day when I can leave my lip gloss and earrings out without fear of never seeing them again. I imagine the day when I can walk into the kitchen and not find trash on the floor and a half-eaten waffle on my laptop.

I figure I only have about 20 more years to wait.

In the meantime, where are my sanitizing wipes?

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